Doglife

Phallic football

You ever notice that football players look like penises? That rounded helmet and the body-protection that keeps them rigid. There is also the matter of tackling where the player launches, or thrusts, himself at a target, helmet first. I have noticed that they spit a lot on the sidelines too.

Other issues here that are not found in other sports:

The tight pants. Why? It’s like playing in a latex body-suit. Why does a manly sport need to show off the glutes of its participants?

The contact. They all have to pile up to stop a runner or to get a loose ball. Piles that are two or three men deep, writhing and grinding.

The shape of the ball. Not exactly phallic, but elongated, which makes it more phallic than a regular spherical ball.

It seems like there is a lot of denial here. Being a heterosexual male football fan myself I am no way implying that this sport is gay, however, it does seem to have been designed by someone with issues.

Sex as a sport

Living in a Red-State or claiming a puritanical religion does not really indicate a lesser interest in sex, as the red-state obsession with adult material indicates. Clearly there is a market there that is in the closet and willing to indulge themselves only in private because sex has a negative stigma. I suppose that one way to make sex, and also porn, more publicly palatable would be to market it as a sport. A contest of fitness and skill and will. A version of wrestling where the winner gets certain benefits, or perhaps some kind of who-can-orgasm-first contest. Before you dismiss this, let me point out why this could work, how the athleticizing of sex would make it more acceptable:

Not for “pleasure”
The moral objection to sex is rooted in the fact that sex is pleasurable for most people. If the objective of intercourse is, say, for procreation, the it loses it’s offensiveness to moralists. In that case you clearly are not doing it for recreation, therefore you are not a hedonist or whoremonger. Well here you go, a reason to do it that involves competition instead of erotic bliss.

Feminism
Here we have an arena in which men and women could compete as equals and individuals. It’s about skill, not about upper-body strength or predatory instincts. Sex is the one arena in which men and women operate as equals in real life as well.

It is not all that different from many sports
Thing about the amount of close contact between MMA fighters on the floor, or boxers clinching, or basketball players posting up. Think about the nudity in professional wrestling, diving, tennis, bodybuilding. The only thing missing is penetration and heterosexuality.

Local sex leagues
These will provide all the benefits of any kind of local competition, like college or Olympic sports with the same tribal mentality and vicarious conquest. Conservatives love competition, and the lust for victory may eventually outstrip any prudishness.

Football with babies

In the future we will play football with babies, you know, to increase the stakes a little bit and make sure everybody “takes care of the ball”. Don’t worry, though, they will not be real babies, just clones. Clones will be the new black people by then. How it will work is that we will start out with robotic babies. Imitation babies. They will look real but not really be real, so that the spectators, the fans will be eased into this notion of something really being at stake here. If the baby dies there will be more, you will have a baby-holder with NFL certified babies. The babies will have to be of a standardized length and weight, so that most likely they will be clones of the same person, a white person so as not to send any racist messages. This move to baby-ball will discourage wide-receivers and running backs from spiking them, as that will be seen as “cruel”.

Basketball will not be so easy, though I foresee it being more of a contact sport than it presently is, with pads and helmets. Maybe gun-ball would be better. Dribble and shoot. Each team outfitted with bulletproof vests and 9mm handguns. Maybe the ball will have a small bomb instead and the timer on the bomb will be used instead of a shot-clock. Instead of dunking on somebody you get to shoot them at close range. Why not?

The fact is that porn has nowhere to go from here unless we make something currently illegal, legal. There is too much money to be made from jaded perverts in society. Maybe snuff-films with terminally ill people (think that girl in Fight Club) or bestiality, or necrophilia. The fact is that we are running out of orifices that can be fisted (the oral-fisting thing just is not going to take off), and that experiment with girls eating feces, the test to see how popular it would be, that didn’t really work either except as a spectacle in grossness and to see how far chicks would go when given attention.

Society is jaded and wanting more. The morality of government will have to relax to deal with this, all those ever-hungry perverted imaginations.